Blog 14 – on board first (k)night
Sorry folks more cruising for a bruising. It’s so much fun being part of a drifting herd that you’ve just got to let people know how much you’re treated like demi-=gods it’s flattering and demeaning all in one instance (says he taking another bite of his cream tea scone). One minute the swarms of people are greeted aboard by swarms of staff, who have the secret of life – the travel luggage which comes complete with old but respectable dresses and gowns for the ladies and the aged DJ or Tux for the gents, or the super guys who opt for the kilt and full regalia – deep respect and envy. Our family are descended from the Macleod of Lewis, which has the honour of having its own tartan -yellow and cross colours – not common nowadays but still available (perhaps I will). But that’s not tonight – tonight is discovery night, where you play hide and seek with your room (oops) I mean cabin. You’re given clues by the crew in the know as to which floor (oops again) I mean deck – still the land lubber for a while. The first part of the journey to the places of the up and down (usually the opposite way to the one you want to travel) moving boxes, designed to take 17 people (it says so on the tin), you try it - bl…y impossible. Eventually you find a sympathetic lift (still a lift in this world), which takes you to floor – naughty boy slapped wrists -- deck of choice where you pop out like toothpaste out of the tube into a small area by the lifts, better known as the small area by lifts – LIFTS. There’s eight or ten of the blooming objects all siting in the quiet hoping they won’t be found. The fun doesn’t end there, oh no.
Once you’ve been disgorged by the lifts you have to find out on which side of the ship/boat your room/CABIN is situated, there’s a choice of two to choose from (is that tautology?) one is starboard, which apparently is the right side of the boat/ship/thing. Now you’re going to ask ‘my right or you’re right?’ to make things simple for the land lubbers it’s decided by the way the ship is moving – moving forward the starboard is on the right, and when moving backwards the starboard is still on the right, simples. So what’s the other side called? PORT -no thanks I’ve already got a pint (the old ones aren’t always the best). According to the old sailor down in the bilges (don’t ask) the opposite side to Starboard was called Larboard. You don’t have to be a sailor to see the sense in changing the name to something less difficult to hear. But that is a whole other topic for the boring days on board. Great we’re approaching the log cabin (compromise), but there is yet another obstacle -- once you’ve selected whether you’re port or starboard as you enter the corridor where all the shoeboxes otherwise called rooms/cabins, are laid out before you. Now depending on your number you either have to go ‘forrard or aft’ to find it. BUT you’re almost there, the Shangri-la which is your nest for the next 7, 10 or 14 nights depending on where you’re headed, ours is 7. However the obstacle course is not yet complete. The final and most daring part has just begun. The suitcase mountain is to be surmounted before reaching the ultimate prize – your very own suitcases (how did they get down here without us?)
For this event you don’t need crampons or spikes or climbing ropes, just shinpads and crash helmet. As an incentive to clear the corridors the cases are piled ‘neatly’ outside your thingy, thereby allowing all contestants/passengers an opportunity to feel they have conquered the last obstacle before reaching the summit, which is almost in the basement of the vessel.
TRIUMPH – we’re at the door to the thingy to find in a letterbox an envelope on which is written instruction’s on how to enter the cave/room/cabin. JOB DONE or not. Inside the envelope is a card with special powers, which when it feels like it makes a previously unseen light shine a bright clear RED, and refuses to trip the lock thereby allowing entrance. No surrender we’ll try again, yes,yes,YES, it’s flashing loads of green lights, that’s a good sign innit? NO, you lost - you only need a single green to get (never a (green) politician around when you need one). One more attempt he says to his beloved, hoping to regain some of the white knight promised earlier that same afternoon!!
He steadies his hand wishing he hadn’t had the last G & T before starting the quest, so here goes!!
He lifts the card to the box, he gently taps the box – NOTHING – don’t give up yet faint heart and all that!
He steadies himself, stops his trembling hand as best he can, slowly offers the card to the box – NOTHING AGAIN – He then feels a soft, gentle group of fingers reaching out and takes the card – offers it to the lock god who smiles upon the group of fingers and CLICK the door is opened and the family escape into the cabin with a shout of ‘bring the cases in dear I’m sure you can manage that.’ Too true but not a job to start tomorrow
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